The Self-Help Trap: Have We Got Passion & Purpose All Wrong?

Recently, I was in Kuala Lumpur, visiting a friend. After eating some delicious food in Chinatown, we took a Grab (taxi) to a swanky rooftop bar, looking out at the Petronas Towers.

In the cab ride, my friend and tour guide, Frank, thought it was appropriate to ask the driver about his car mats…

Yes, you read that correctly.

What’s even more shocking is that the driver was well-versed on the subject, and the conversation actually flowed.

For context, Frank is the Chief Marketing Officer of a rubber company in Malaysia that sells car mats and other accessories.

I won’t name the company because I have no idea if this is appropriate….

Let’s call them THE GREATEST RUBBER COMPANY IN THE WORLD.

I suspect Frank was showing off a little and wanted to show me, his friend (at the time of writing), the pride he has in his work.

And, of course, that he’s an even bigger nerd than I already knew, trumped only by the driver, who seemed delighted to entertain him.

So, here you have two grown-ass men talking about car mats. And me…

The ultimate Alpha Male!

As it transpired, the driver had bought his mats from the competition and hilariously declared THE GREATEST RUBBER COMPANY IN THE WORLD to be overpriced and their mats smelly…

All important considerations when one is buying rubber!

This bomb was dropped before he knew that his passenger — the man about to tip him — worked for THE GREATEST RUBBER COMPANY IN THE WORLD!

Obviously, it didn’t take him long to figure it out…

He had a white man in his cab with a funny accent asking where he bought his rubber mats from…

It wasn’t exactly a case for Sherlock Holmes!

Now, let’s call the competitor company THE SHITTIEST RUBBER COMPANY IN THE WORLD.

As the conversation progressed, Frank made a compelling case, educating the driver as to why THE GREATEST RUBBER COMPANY IN THE WORLD produced a far superior product than THE SHITTIEST RUBBER COMPANY IN THE WORLD.

He did so by explaining to the driver that he was comparing Apples to Oranges — not Apples to Apples.

It was more expensive because he was sizing up THE GREATEST RUBBER COMPANY IN THE WORLD’S premium mat…

Not their most economical!

Therefore, it wasn’t a fair fight.

In fact, for just $2 more, he could have had THE GREATEST RUBBER COMPANY IN THE WORLD’S economical version…

Still a far superior mat, and to clarify, it only smelled for the first 24 hours!

For good measure, he also let him know THE SHITTIEST RUBBER COMPANY IN THE WORLD’S economical mats fall apart after a few months, while…

THE GREATEST RUBBER COMPANY IN THE WORLD’s economical mats last a lifetime. With a GUARANTEE!

It looks like someone didn’t do their research…

Just to confirm, this was all in good banter. And also, who doesn’t love the smell of fresh rubber?

But alas, I’ll move on…

So, what does all this have to do with passion and purpose?

Well, because if you ask me, they’re two bullshit concepts forced down the throat of millions, leading them to believe they are completely wasting their lives.

And while I am not against feeling passion or being driven by purpose (far from it) or chasing it, as per usual, the self-help industry misrepresents both and fucks it up for the masses.

The number of people today who are now experiencing symptoms of depression and anxiety because they feel they are lacking in passion or have no purpose is absurd.

Many self-help “gurus” lead millions to believe quitting their jobs and turning their passion into a 6-figures business is easy.

The reality is very different.

Again, under the right circumstances, I support this but humour me while I play Devil’s Advocate.

In a past life, Frank wasn’t the Chief Marketing Officer of a successful organisation for whom he played a pivotal role in their success.

He was stressed out and broke from trying to turn his passion into a profitable business that afforded him a good lifestyle.

And while I don’t like to admit it, eight years ago, after finding happiness for the first time in what felt like a lifetime drowning in anxiety, I proceeded to walk straight into this trap without being pragmatic or intelligent in my approach.

I cannot begin to fathom just how many people experience a significant decline in their mental health from following this advice.

These “gurus” omit the fact that most simply don’t care about other people’s passions. They don’t speak of luck, skills, personality, or any of the attributes one would require to achieve the level of success they speak of…

They simply say manifest it or put your trust in the Universe, and it’s pretty much guaranteed. And I’d bet both nuts this is causing a magnitude of people to have to do battle with their mental health.

I know that won’t sit well with people, some of whom I love, but this is not for them…

I want the person who’s killing themselves chasing something they’ve been told is easy and key to their happiness to give themselves a much-needed break and permission to feel content in their life today because nothing is promised tomorrow. And so often, a shift in perspective can accomplish that.

This is for you if you’ve been led to believe your life is worthless, and the answer is to quit everything and go all in on your passion and purpose.

Now back to Frank, who, I can tell you, often gets frustrated and pissed off with his work.

Why?

Multiple reasons, the overwhelming being that he is human.

But whether he admits it or not, in that cab, he was sharing something he was passionate about with the driver.

Is it his only passion? Hell no.

Is he more passionate about the meaning he derives from his work than the work itself and the fact it facilitates him meeting his psychological needs, allowing him to live a comfortable life while taking care of his family?

Fuck yes. Does he realise it?

He does now because I sent him this before posting to find out.

In that cab, Frank was displaying passion.

And yet, if he chooses to be engrossed in self-help, he’d be led to believe that perhaps he has no passion or purpose and that he should be happy all the time, and until he has accomplished that, he hasn’t accomplished shit.

That’s the self-help trap.

Pain, frustration, and all the negative emotions also come with passion.

I’d argue you may feel stronger negative emotions with passion because it means that much more to you.

While work is a vital vehicle, don’t be fooled into believing there are that many people out there who genuinely love every minute of their lives and the work that they do.

Social media is a misrepresentation of real life. I know influencers who present a lie daily while selling buzzwords to as many people as possible.

Akin to happiness, the pursuit of passion and purpose for many has become insufferable.

What I loved hearing was Franks’s passion for his work. Therefore, I admire his tenacity in putting his head down and accomplishing great things in his work so he was able to take care of his family. And do other nice things we’ve been conditioned to take for granted. And pick up the bill in the swanky bar wasted on me because I was doing dry January, drinking Diet Coke.

That’s real life. It can be as simple as two nerds talking rubber in a taxi. That’s also passion and purpose.

Let me reiterate if anything I have said has been misconstrued:

I’m an advocate for drastic change. And I think a lot of people need a fire lit up their ass unless they want to stay miserable.

I also believe the grass can be greener, but too often, we’re being misled as to how much greener, which skews perception…

And you better believe, as difficult as it may be to see at times cause you just can’t see it when you’re in it, but so often (after needs are met and deeper issues addressed), the difference between a good life and a bad life is perception.

Much love,